JAY: Snoochie boochies!
-Oh, shit. -OFFICER: You're under arrest.
Hey, hey! What's this all about?
Hey! Oh, this is about Randal, isn't it?
Randal Graves? I can take you to him. Seriously, I can. (GRUNTS)
Listen, guys, I'm not even supposed to be here today.
MAN ON RADIO: One out of 12. One out of 12.
Gun!
MAN: Be advised, suspects operating illegal marijuana dispensary
inside fake chicken sandwich store.
Oh! I love this shit. I finally get to arrest these motherfuckers.
All right, you motherfuckers, I know you're in there!
-Come out right now! Whoo! -Yeah.
(SCREAMING)
This is the Leonardo Police Department.
You're under arrest for suspicion of drug trafficking.
Drop your plants now!
I said drop the motherfucking plants!
(EXCLAIMS) I'm the boss. He did what the fuck I said.
What the... I said "plants," not "pants."
-There's nothing there, man. -This is a white dude.
-What the fuck do you expect? -There's nothing there!
What the fuck, Sarge? This son of a bitch doesn't have a dick.
He's got a fucking dick! He's just got it tucked in.
All right, Buffalo Bill. Where's your buddy?
Mr. Silence of the Lambs?
(GOODBYE HORSES PLAYING)
Identify yourselves, motherfuckers!
I'm Jay and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
Home sweet home, right?
Everyone say, "Yay, it's Jay and Silent Bob."
Well, just look at you two.
Who the fuck are you?
I'm your lawyer. That's who the fuck I am.
Didn't anybody ever tell you how a courtroom works?
Okay. In the criminal justice system,
the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups.
-Dude, we've seen all the Law & Orders. -Oh, me too. Dick Wolf is a genius.
I just love all of his shows so much. In fact, my Grindr name is Dick Wolfer.
Remember that.
Oh, I almost forgot. Before I represent you,
I'm gonna need you to sign these legal documents.
What? Read it first?
I mean, come on. Who cares what that shit says? Just sign it.
Yeah.
I can't believe that worked.
Well, perfection. I hope you're both prepared to go home today
because I am the best lawyer in showbiz.
Seriously, I'm like the Dick Wolf of getting guys off with my mouth.
-Oh! -But that's why you hired me.
-Am I right or am I wrong? -But we didn't hire you.
-Small formality. -All rise!
(SIGHS) Thank you. Be seated.
Docket number 37, People v. Jay and Silent Bob.
Jay and Silent Bob are back?
(GROANS)
Charges are drug trafficking and running an illegal drug dispensary
disguised as a chicken sandwich shop called... (CHUCKLES)
(CLEARS THROAT) Cock Smoker.
-(CHUCKLES) -(LAUGHS)
Hello, boys. If you two are here, it must be a weekday,
but this isn't a court-appointed attorney.
I spy one of those lawyers you have to pay.
How do your clients plead, Counselor?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Not guilty, Your Honor.
I guess the weed grew itself.
-People on bail? -Hey, Jerry.
How you doing?
So we, the people, would hope that Your Highness would remand custody.
Cool?
And I imagine you see it all differently, Counselor?
The Cock Smoker was neither eatery nor dispensary, Your Honor.
It was merely a promotional pop-up shop.
This affidavit is from a Hollywood motion picture company
and this proves that my clients were nothing more than paid performers
for a real-world promotional stunt in support of a forthcoming movie.
We are?
-Yes. -We are.
So I ask that all charges be dropped
since my clients are so obviously innocent.
JUDGE: Easy.
They may be obvious, but one thing I would not call these two is innocent.
But for today, at least, they are not guilty.
Jay and Silent Bob, you're free to go. Case dismissed.
Holy shit! What the fuck just happened?
I set you free, butterflies, as promised.
Remember "Dick Wolfer" on Grindr.
Docket number 38, Hollywood motion picture company v. Jay and Silent Bob.
Who's here representing Hollywood?
-I am, Your Honor. -What are you doing?
This is only my second case of the day and to tell you the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
I already need a fucking drink.
-Jesus! -Can we get this going, Counselor?
As you can see, I have a ton of cases that we need to get through today.
Absolutely, Your Honor. (CLEARS THROAT)
Your Honor, my client, Saban Films,
is seeking an injunction against the defendants for copyright infringement
of the trademarked intellectual property Jay and Silent Bob.
Yo, this guy's lying, Your Honor.
Me and Silent Bob don't own any property
and we've never been intellectual about anything.
Have your mouth take a knee.
Saban Films... Didn't they make the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers?
Oh, man. You ever see the one where the Red Ranger turns into the Gold Ranger?
-Dope! -That was years ago, Your Honor.
Now they're more of a multimedia company.
Oh. Does the multimedia combine into a giant Megazord?
-Oh, shit. -Go, Power Rangers.
Deep cuts, Your Honor.
Anyhoo, last year, Saban Films acquired worldwide rights
to the campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie for about...
-$3700 on Craigslist. -They overpaid.
So now, all the underlying rights belong to my client
including not only the titular characters,
but their supporting secret identities as well.
The registered trademarks of Jay and Silent Bob.
Ergo, Your Honor, Saban Films owns their names.
What?
I said Saban Films owns your names.
Is there any paperwork to back up a claim this wild, Counselor?
Oh, yes, Your Honor.
I present contracts signed by the defendants giving Saban Films
total discretionary control over the names Jay and Silent Bob.
That's the paper we just signed?
Will the defendants please rise?
Oh, shit. We're the defendants?
This document confirms that Saban Films
does indeed own the 2001 movie Bluntman and Chronic.
What? That old ass star-studded piece of shit?
That movie sucked balls.
Not just balls. It sucked asshole too.
Your Honor, I object.
I'll allow it. That movie did suck balls and asshole.
Jay and Silent Bob, you are hereby legally prohibited
from calling yourselves Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
You're out of order!
This whole fucking court's out of order!
Somebody wants an Oscar. (SCOFFS)
Why did you move your store to the mall?
Because apparently I wanted to be alone. Snoogans.
Nah, rent's just cheaper here on account of the mall is slowly dying.
The old girl's on her last legs, boys.
So much so that you got to watch out for all the mallrats.
I... I didn't see any kids here.
No, I mean, the actual rats we got running around
this abandoned shithole of a mall. Hit the deck, boys.
(RAT SQUEAKS)
Let me get this straight.
You guys got busted for running an illegal pot shop
inside a fake chicken sandwich store
and the Hollywood lawyer you didn't hire got you off
but then he somehow stole your names?
And then the cops stole the weed we were working on for years.
And all we got left from the best bud in the world
are these three joints right here
made from the flower of one of the three strains of gold.
Oh. I knew you guys were weed dealers, but I never knew you were weed growers.
Oh, we learned to grow from watching our favorite movie of all time,
How High with Method and Redman.
They're like the black Jay and Silent Bob.
Holy shit. You guys still rent DVDs?
You never heard of "Netflix and chill"?
Hmm, one time, we Hulu and humped, right?
But most nights, we Redbox and jerk off.
So, how are you feeling about being busted?
(PHONE PINGS)
L-O-L.
JAY: And on top of that, the judge told us
we weren't even legally allowed to be Jay and Silent Bob no more
because our names were bought by some assholes from Sbarro films.
You mean Sbarro's?
Yeah, those pizza-making fucks.
All 'cause of some stupid movie that was made 20 years ago.
It's like, "Come on already, move on. The dishes are done, man."
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead?
-A Keith Coogan classic. -Snoogans. Well, you know, fellas,
I think your legal woes have less to do
with the stupid old movie that came out 20 years ago
and more to do with the stupid new movie
that's coming soon to a theater near you.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you guys have no idea there's a new comic book movie
being made of the old comic book movie you two are the basis for.
What? Again?
And look, they took away my dick and made me a girl.
I cannot believe they're gonna remake this Bluntman bullshit.
It's not a remake, it's a reboot.
What the fuck is a reboot?
Well, a reboot, boys, is when Hollywood wants to make a lot of money
without the hassle of creating a new movie.
So they take an old movie and change just enough
to make you pay for the same shit all over again.
-Those greedy fucking animals. -Oh, it's insidious.
They take a flick you loved as a kid and add youth and diversity to it.
For example, name the movie where a robot has secret plans
that could help the good guys beat the bad guys
and their leader in a black mask by blowing up a giant ray gun in space.
-Star Wars. -No. The Force Awakens.
See, now that's what you call a reboot. Nang.
I thought that was a sequel.
Hollywood doesn't make sequels anymore.
Shit, they don't even make squeakquels, yo.
Studios have given up on new ideas entirely
in favor of building multi-movie universes
that breed brand-loyal customers from cradle to grave.
So if you like Harry Potter, cash in a guess you're getting ten fucking more.
You like the Fast and Furious flicks?
We're gonna drive the franchise into the ground, bitch.
Or you want another Marvel movie? Here we go.
Hey, man! Those Marvel movies are a triumph of cinema.
I live on those Marvel movies. I live for those Marvel movies.
I watch those Marvel movies more than I watch Pornhub,
-and I cum twice as hard doing it. -The dishes are done, man.
Look, all I'm saying is,
if Hollywood doesn't start making some original flicks now,
there's not gonna be anything to be reboot in ten years.
Then they'll just be rebooting the reboots.
It's like we're reaching Point Break for pop culture,
and it ain't gonna be the good Point Break with Swayze-dog and Keanu.
It's gonna be the remake.
Wait, what's the difference between a reboot and a remake?
Well, I'm glad you asked, Jay, because a remake is like a reboot
where the studio doesn't care how the audience feels about the original movie,
so they just keep the title, fuck up everything else,
and ruin both flicks in the process, see?
Which is probably what Bluntman v Chronic is gonna be
because the director of this impending abortion of cinema
is none other than Kevin fucking Smith.
-Who? -You know.
The guy who directed that Bruce Willis winner, Cop Out.
That queef? They still let him make movies after that walrus shit?
What can I tell you? In Hollywood, people fail upwards.
I fucking hate stupid Kevin Smith. First, he took away our names,
then he took away my dick.
Well, we got to stop stupid Kevin Smith from making another shitty movie
about Jay and Silent Bob ever again.
Well, then youse guys better get your asses to Chronic-Con.
-What the fuck is this shit? -BRODIE: Chronic-Con.
When it started out, it was a homegrown fanfest
for people who love that campy old Bluntman and Chronic movie
with Jason Biggs and James Van Der Beek.
Those guys? I saw them bitches get beat up by a monkey.
But now, Chronic-Con has morphed into an annual pop culture convention.
I don't know how you guys would even get in at this point.
Tickets are already sold out.
Sold out? After all these years, what kind of broken fucks
still wanna watch this Jay and Silent Bob bullshit anyway?
Well, enough to run an Omaze auction for a cameo in the reboot.
(CLICKS)
Hey, man, it's me, Kevin Smith! You know, the filmmaker...
Look at this ugly motherfucker. Probably got a tiny dick too.
Now, I got some big news for you, man.
We are shooting a key sequence to Bluntman v Chronic
at this year's Chronic-Con, man.
This scene is so important,
we cannot finish this movie without it.
So enter right now and maybe I'll see you this Friday in Hollywood.
-Would you fucking stop? -Dick.
Hollywood. Where we struck back, yo.
Oh, you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
But that "director" said they couldn't finish the movie
without the scene they're shooting at Chronic-Con.
So what we got to do is get to Hollywood,
stop him from shooting that scene and biggity bam!
-Kevin James can't finish the movie. -Ke... Never mind.
We got three days to get to Chronic-Con, take our names back,
rescue my dick from Kevin James,
and stop this reboot from ever happening.
Come on, Silent Bob, we're going back to Hollywood.
And on that note, we cue the music.
-Maa, maa, maa! -(BABBLES)
-Maa, maa, maa! -Maa, maa!
-Maa, maa, maa! -(BABBLES)
WOMAN: Have a great flight.
Hi, there. Welcome to Southbest Airlines.
How can I help y'all?
"Y'all"? What kind of Jersey accent is that?
I'm from South Jersey. Now what can I do for y'all?
Two tickets to Hollywood.
-(TYPING) -In coach, I'm assuming.
That'll be $337 apiece, boys.
Oh!
How about we start with y'all's names?
-I am Don Juan Dela Nooch. -(CHUCKLES)
And this is Señor Roberto Silencio.
Those names sound kind of made up.
Listen, lady, our real names are Jay and Silent Bob,
-but this morning... -Yeah.
...Kevin James, the King of fucking Queens, stole those names.
I can't book y'all under your fake names,
so why don't I try Jay and Silent Bob,
which also sound like fake names, I might add?
-(COMPUTER BEEPS) -Ooh. Sorry, boys,
but it says here that you got a wait problem.
-Weight problem? -Mmm-hmm.
Are you saying he's still too fat to fly?
Are you fucking blind as Anne Frank?
Silent Bob lost a bunch of weight, lady.
He went all vegan and shit, eating that V-gina.
That's not right.
I used to call him Lunchbox but now I have to call him Snack Pack.
I used to say, "Fly, fat ass. Fly."
Now I have to say, "Fly, low-fat ass. Fly."
Let me make something straight here. I said, "Wait problem."
And the problem
is that y'all can't fly 'cause y'all are on the No Fly List.
There is something here about a terrorist organization called The Clits.
The Clits not real.
Says every guy I ever dated.
I'm sorry, but y'all can't fly because y'all are on the No Fly List.
But you know what you could do? Maybe you could Ride Me Now instead.
Ride you now?
Ride Me Now is a rideshare app.
So you just do one click
and Ride Me Now will send you a car
and that car will take y'all wherever y'all wanna go.
-Yeah? -Yeah.
Well, then fuck your planes, Jolene.
Okay. Bye-bye.
Go fuck yourself.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
The app needs a credit card? Dude, what are we gonna do?
You know what you do?
You go fuck yourself, that's what you do.
No. You listen to me, you call center Khalifa.
The dummy at the counter couldn't find my reservation.
That's why you're gonna find my reservation,
or I'm gonna have the both of you fired.
Someone should teach that motherfucker a lesson.
All right, I'm gonna give you the credit card number. Again!
I'm gonna read it so slowly
and out loud in public so that you will understand.
All right. The name is Ted Underhill.
Not Ed, Ted! T-T-T-T!
And the number is nine...
Five... Eight...
Four...
Ted Underhill?
Yo! I'm Ted motherfucking Underhill.
(CAR HORNS BLARE)
Wait, you wanna smoke one of those unicorns now?
Dude, we only got three left, man.
And after we smoke 'em, they're gone forever.
Let's save 'em for a special occasion.
I say we smoke this little bitch.
Ooh.
Oh, come on, man. I roll a perfect Silent Bob, and you're pissed about it?
This motherfucker belongs in a museum, son.
Light it up. Mmm.
I'm almost glad you guys are smoking back there.
I was driving someone about a week ago,
and he took a, uh, big shit in the back seat.
I had no idea until the next passenger found it.
-It was everywhere. -(GROANS)
You have no idea how hard it is to get the smell of shit out of pleather.
I mean, it just stays there. Really. It's like a ghost.
You guys are my first two passengers since that big shit.
I'm your driver by the way, Todd Merkinsky. Nice to meet you.
Oh, Merkinsky... I will call you Merkin!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Todd would be better.
Why does your car smell like French fries, Merkin?
-(OVEN DINGS) -Because in my car,
guess what I have instead of gum.
I have tater tots. Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
You got tater tots up in this bitch? Where'd you get them?
Well, I'm a businessman and entrepreneur,
and I had a business idea.
Teen girls love tater tots.
So I came up with...
Hater Totz.
Got a little quiz on there, you know, "Is your BFF really the bezt?"
And it's kind of like, uh, I don't know, Tiger Beat on a box of tater tots.
And those tween girls, they still love that Tiger Beat, right?
(CHUCKLES) Am I right? I'm wrong.
I was very wrong.
Hater Totz means different things to different people.
What do I mean by that?
Well, Hater Totz started attracting a customer base
I never wanted or asked for.
White nationalists.
Can you believe it? How did they even hear about it?
So, I shut down.
I just declared bankruptcy and now, well,
I serve these leftover tater tots to all my riders, F-O-C, free of charge.
Take as many tater tots as you want, eat all the tater tots you take.
By the way, I don't know if my app is wrong,
but, uh, it says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood?
All right. That's very, very far. But I'll make you a deal.
I'll drive you all the way to Hollywood, California,
and you give me a big tip and some amazing feedback.
Dealio, Emilio. Now drive, Miss Daisy, drive.
All right. Here we go. Hollywood.
Hi. Remember me?
I'm Loki, the Angel of Death from Dogma.
Now, if your kids are looking at you like, "That's not Tom Hiddleston,"
just tell them I was Loki in the '90s before it was cool.
And I did it without the fake British accent.
Anyway, for 20 years now people ask,
"What happened to Loki at the end of Dogma? Did he go to hell?"
Heavens, no. Pun intended.
But I did almost unmake existence, so as punishment,
God, who looks exactly like Alanis Morissette,
banished me to life on earth again.
But not Wisconsin this time. Thank Christ. No.
God dropped me in the Mediterranean Sea
where I was rescued by Italian fishermen.
I didn't even know who I was anymore. I had total amnesia.
So, after the events of Dogma, I guess you could say I was born again.
And what you're looking at now is...
Wait for it...
My reborn identity.
Oh, shit! Pun game on point. You just got touched by an angel, son.
LOKI: Anyway, after driving for half a day,
Jay and Silent Bob stopped in Chicago where their lives would change forever.
(COUGHS)
Oh, yeah. Ta-ta-ta-ta. Nice driving, Merkin.
Oh, thanks, Misters Underhill.
To be honest, I'm glad you wanted to stop.
No offense, but, uh, your cigarettes are kind of strong.
We ain't smoking cigarettes, we smoking that weed.
You're smoking marijuana?
Oh...
Wow. You guys are so brave.
I'm always scared to be busted by the cops,
so I've never tried weed my entire life.
Wha... Wait a sec. No. You wanna give him one of those?
You just heard the man, he's never smoked in his life,
and you wanna bust his green cherry
with one of our last strains of gold we have left?
Dude, what are you thinking, bro?
Oh. Jersey Local 404.
Jersey makes, the whole world bakes. We feed every need for weed, son.
Merkin, this is gonna change your life.
Change it!
There you go, boss.
(COW MOOING SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
-(CHEERFUL JINGLE PLAYS) -Yeah.
Fuck me up the vegan ass. I'm gonna get my cow tipper on.
(INAUDIBLE)
Mr. Underhill!
Mr. Underhill! Mr. Underhill!
Welcome to Mooby's. What are you in the moo-d for today?
Let me get one of those moo-ilk shakes
and a cow tipper with fries.
And, oh, let me get one of those fur burgers Brazilian-style
for our chauffer outside.
Cool.
What? You want me to order for you?
I don't want your V-gina touching my burgers. Come on, dude.
That's why you don't get laid, sir, 'cause women love meat in their mouth,
and you ain't nothing but a broccoli bitch.
If you wanna order your healthy veggies, open your mouth, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go drop a deuce.
You in the moo-d for anything else?
(PHONE PINGS)
Uh-uh. You did not just offer me your old-man dick.
Okay. Fine. Whip it out.
Come on. Just whip it out.
Ms. McKenzie!
-What the fuck is going on here? -This old fool just eggplanted me.
Uh, I'm 47 and I have no idea what that means.
You know, this dirty old ass-fuck's in here
trying to show us his dirty old-ass dick, Ms. McKenzie,
so bust his ass.
Okay, sir. You're gonna have to come with me. This way.
MAN ON TV: Congratulations, Flappy. You deserve it.
And now with the forecast, here's News 10's meteorologist, Justice Faulken.
What's the weather tomorrow?
We are gonna get so much rain, I'm getting wet just thinking about it.
Justice?
(KEEP ON LOVING YOU PLAYING)
(MUSIC STOPS)
Holy shit, Silent Bob.
Look, it's my long-lost ex-girlfriend Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Oh, shit. Is he having a stroke?
Yo, Mary, I used to knock boots with the weather lady, all right?
So I'm gonna go find her, and I'm gonna give her a warm front
with a possible low of 69. Snoogans.
You want a burger for lunch?
Uh, no, thanks. I just ate some vegan.
-(DOOR OPENS) -(MOOING SOUND EFFECT PLAYS)
Yummy, yummy, yummy, yum.
Holy shit, Merkin's gone. That entrepreneurial fuck!
Oh, and your dumb ass gave him one of the last three strains of gold we had left.
Let's write him a nasty review.
Type this shit, "Oh, motherfucker, you're gonna pay.
"You are the one who is the hater, Todd.
"Fuck your frozen-food dreams.
"Do you even know what a merkin is? It is a pube toupee.
"So why don't you live up to your name and go sit on some bald dick?"
(LAUGHS)
Lady, lady, lady, Jay and Silent Bob are at your hizouse!
Holy shit!
(THUDS)
Dude, she's so excited to see me, she fainted.
Look at that shit, man.
When she wakes up, I'll be like, "Come, son of Jor-El, kneel before Zod."
GIRL: Sleep, big boy. Sleep.
Holy fuck! (YELLS)
-What the fuck is this? -What the fuck is this?
What the fuck are you even doing here, Jay?
I missed you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck.
Aw. You remembered.
-I missed you, too. -Yeah?
-Old friend. -Old friend? No, bro.
I'm like a super friend, all right?
A super friend who wants to get back inside the Hall of Justice, yeah.
Uh, okay. Sit down.
(EXHALES)
Okay.
I'm married, Jay.
Ew! You're fucking married?
-Yeah. -What about us?
Us? I haven't heard from you in 18 years, Jay.
I mean, you never even came to see me when I was in jail.
Well, that's because they wouldn't let us fuck.
Is that why you never visited?
(LAUGHS) Oh, my gosh! And all this time, I just thought you were mad at me.
Why would I be mad at you, Boo Boo Kitty Fuck?
Because I never told you I had a baby.
Ew. You're someone's fucking mom now?
Yes, you big goof.
And I thought you'd be upset if you ever found out who the father is.
Wait, why? Who's the father? Is it Silent Bob?
(CHUCKLES) No, Jay.
(SIGHS)
It's you.
(PHONE PINGS)
I have a fucking kid?
We have a kid. A daughter.
I have a girl daughter? Why the fuck didn't you tell me, man?
We could've been a family this whole time.
A family?
Jay, you're a great guy, and you have a million-dollar heart,
and nickel-head, but a million-dollar heart.
All you ever needed in life was Silent Bob and...
(LAUGHS) A good bag of weed.
But a baby needs a home and stability.
I'm stable as a table.
Yeah. Right. What are you doing in Chicago, anyway?
Me and Silent Bob are going to Hollywood
to stop these fuckers from making a movie about us.
Sounds familiar.
Jay.
You're a nice guy and you're a lot of fun.
But if I'm being honest here,
I really don't think you're dad material.
(CLICKS TONGUE) But you're here now,
so maybe you should meet the little girl
who knocked you out and tied you up.
I've always said her dad took off before she was born,
so she'll have no idea you two are related.
And I want it to stay that way,
so you can never tell her who you really are, okay?
You have to promise me you won't say anything.
What are you telling me for? He's the one with the big mouth.
Brace yourself. You're about to meet our love child.
Uh...
I think I'm gonna need to see a blood test.
Hello?
Mom. I told you to leave these meth heads
tied up until the cops got here.
Okay.
I didn't call the cops and these guys are not meth heads, okay?
They only look like meth heads because they're from New Jersey.
Boys, this is my daughter, Millennium Faulken.
Dude, like Star Wars.
Milly, these are friends of mine from a long time ago,
a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.
I almost killed the older one.
-Older one? -(SNORTS)
So, you guys got names or what?
I'm Jay and... I mean... (CLEARS THROAT)
(DEEP VOICE) I'm Ted Underhill
and this is my hetero life mate, Mr. Taint.
Hetero life mate. I got one of those.
-This is my best friend, Sopapilla. -Oh!
Cómo estás, Soapy Penis?
Holy shit! It's Sopapilla.
Say hi to my mom's
culturally insensitive, horrible friends.
Millennium.
(SIGNING) They look like fucking meth heads.
(MILLENNIUM CHUCKLES)
Dude, this is, like, watching your favorite movie, The Quiet Place.
Sorry, it's like watching your second favorite movie, The Shape of Water.
My bad.
How could you let people this stupid into our house, let alone my room?
Can they leave now?
JUSTICE: Ted and Mr. Taint just wanted to meet you, Milly.
They're just passing through town on their way to California.
Wait. California?
Yo, meth heads.
-Where are you going in California? -This stupid convention in Hollywood.
Holy fuck. Are you talking about Chronic-Con?
-Yeah. -Language.
-(CAR HORN BLARES) -Oh, my God. Reggie's here.
-Who the fuck is Reggie? -My better half.
Okay. I love you.
We'll call you as soon as we land in Machu Picchu, okay?
And I left you $200 in the fridge. (KISSES)
Now say goodbye to Mr. Underhill.
Goodbye forever, Methy Morphin.
It was so cool to meet you.
Okay. Um, I gotta go.
Let's go. I gotta go.
-I love you. -Love you.
It's fucked up enough I had to meet my kid, now I got to meet your husband?
Um, you're not meeting my husband.
-Jessie. Let's go. -Hey.
-You know I hate O'Hare. -But first, I...
Who the fuck are these guys?
Boys, this is Reggie Faulken, my wife.
Wife? Holy shit, you married a lady?
Ooh. A lady. I like him. He's proper.
Reggie, this is Jay of Jay and Silent Bob fame.
-Oh, my God. This is him? -Yes.
(LAUGHS)
-This is Mr. Cum Quick Thumb Dick? -Shh!
(SILENT BOB SNORTS)
I never, ever thought I'd get the chance to meet you.
You're like a living legend.
-For what? -All the wrong reasons, bro.
Um... Stop by on your way home from Hollywood.
Maybe you and Milly can spend some time together before you head back to Jersey.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Fuck, man. Last time we were in Chicago, we couldn't find Sherman, Illinois.
This time, I didn't get laid because my fucking ex-girlfriend has a wife.
This Windy City can blow me. Let's go.
Hello.
I know we only just met but I really feel like I know you.
At least enough to ask you a favor.
-You wanna ask me a favor? -Mmm-hmm.
Hold on a sec.
Holy fuck, man. This is my first chance to act like a real dad, Silent Bob.
Okay. What's the favor?
Can you take us to Hollywood with you?
-(RECORD SCRATCHES) -Fuck, no, man!
I can't be bringing private school girls to Hollyweird.
It's a tough-ass neighborhood.
He said no.
Okay. Let's do this the hard way, butt plug.
Either you take us to Hollywood,
or I stab you both to death on my own front fucking lawn.
And when the cops come, I'll tell them it was an act of self-defense
after you tried to break into my house,
the home of Chicago's beloved lesbian weather lady.
I'll get off like a porn star and you two will be dead as dodos.
So, I suggest you take out your phone, open your little fucking app,
and order us a car to Hollywood right now!
You can't just go around threatening people.
Don't tell me what to do. You're not my father.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
I don't get it. Why does the deaf kid get to DJ instead of me?
Because Soapy has great taste in music and you're a fucking dildo.
What? She doesn't even know what a dildo is, probably.
Uh, I have two dildos and a strap-on, so, yeah, I do.
What are you, nuts? You can't say strap-on in public!
Man, you're just a kid.
Are you gonna be this fucking annoying the entire trip?
Because if so, smoke some of this shit.
Holy shit, that's weed!
-That's right. -Where'd you get it?
-From her. -Where'd she get it?
Soapy lives on a commune in Oregon
where deaf people grow the best weed in the West.
Deaf people know how to grow weed?
I'm sorry, how old are you?
Fuck you. How old are you?
-I'm 18. -You can't be smoking no weed at 18.
-I can. Watch me. -(LIGHTER CLICKS)
-Ow! Ow! You're gonna break it. -Fuck off my flower.
Ow!
You know what? This is my ride and I'm paying for it, girlie.
So if you don't put that weed away,
I'm gonna kick your narrow ass to the curb.
-Fine. -See, that's better.
You're just a kid. Why don't you eat some candy or something?
Okay.
-Happy? -Chocolate. That's better.
Way better than weed for a little girl.
-Yeah? You want some? -Shit, yeah. I love sugar.
Mmm.
You guys aren't gonna eat any chocolate?
Oh. No, um, I smoke my weed, I don't eat it.
Punch Bar?
There's weed in that chocolate?
Holy shit. She poisoned us!
It isn't poison, but it is potent. And you ate... Huh...
Fifty times the recommended dosage. (LAUGHS)
These old fuckers are gonna die.
You know what? No, no, no. Calm down. Calm down.
You think we can't handle edibles?
You think we can't handle these silly-ass chocolate bars?
You're mistaken.
Can you believe these two? Edibles ain't shit, right?
METHOD MAN: You got a blunt? (EXHALES)
-REDMAN: You got weed, nigga? -(BOTH LAUGH)
Back out of the club, nigga.
Holy shit, Silent Bob, look, it's Method and Red.
We got visitors.
I'm Jay and this is my hetero life mate, Silent Bob.
Silent Bob, huh?
That's kind of hot. (CHUCKLES) That's your rap name?
We came here seeking advice.
Well, look no further. Me and Red, we got life experience.
Like they say on Reddit, ask me anything.
Okay, great masters of the green.
I just found out I have a kid and then that kid roofied us with chocolates.
My advice? If you got a kid that'll get you stoned,
-have another kid just like that one. -Facts.
-Just like that. -Facts.
The thing is, I don't know how to be a father.
I didn't even know my own dad,
and I don't know what dads are supposed to do.
Philosophically, in a manner of speaking,
being a father does not necessarily make one a dad, am I right, Doc?
Guys, anybody, and I mean anti-body with cum...
(GIBBERS)
...can be a father.
But only love can make you a dad, you understand me?
METHOD MAN: Okay, wait a minute. How you gonna talk about love
when you flinging cum all over the place?
-That shit's unseemly, bro. -Unseemly. Goddamn it.
-Listen, you wanna be a good dad? -Mmm-hmm.
Then just think of all the fucked-up shit
your dad did wrong, because look at you,
and do the opposite. You feel me?
-But I never met my own dad. -But you met your kid.
There you go, see?
You already a better dad than your dad ever was, bruh.
Now, get the fuck out and hit the road.
Hit the road.
-The road. -The road.
Whoa, dude.
This isn't Hulu and hump day, dude. Man, what if someone saw?
GIRL: I saw you.
And I'm putting you on my Instagram.
Hashtag, When Old People Fuck.
-Holy shit, it's a terrorist! -Where, where, where's the terrorist?
She's not a terrorist, you fuck.
(GIRL SPEAKING CHINESE)
But ironically, her name is Jihad, so do with that what you will.
Assalam-alaikum.
Sounds like baby talk.
No, that's just talk, baby.
And by baby, I mean oldest man I've ever met.
How old are these fuckers?
I'm pretty sure they were alive during the '90s.
No way. That's before they even built the internet.
Jihad, that was like before they built the pyramids.
Jihad? Why does that name sound familiar.
If you fuck with any of us,
I'll live up to my name and I'll put you underground, Underhill.
Does every girl carry a knife nowadays?
Well, in a world full of dicks, knives really help a girl make a point.
If you had a daughter, wouldn't you want her to carry a knife?
Shit, yes.
Shit, no, I have a daughter and she scared me when she pulled a knife on me.
(SPEAKS CHINESE)
What's this creepy Ring shit?
(SPEAKS CHINESE)
This is my not-creepy friend, Shan Yu. She's from China.
We picked her up in Missouri.
Missouri? Where the fuck are we now?
Just outside New Orleans.
-We're in Connecticut? -It's Louisiana, man. Jesus.
Louisia... How long was I asleep for?
-Eighteen hours straight. -What?
I told you those edibles were strong.
Dude, why didn't you wake me up? We'll never make it to Hollywood now.
(SPEAKS CHINESE)
What the fuck?
Shan Yu records every interaction she hears for her podcast
which she uses to contextualize life in America for her audience in China.
The podcast is called the American Entitled and Their First World Problems.
Shan Yu understands English, Mr. Underhill. She just can't speak it.
Kind of like you, actually.
Wait a minute, where the fuck's the car at?
Now that there are six of us, we need a bigger whip than Ride Me Now has,
so we're gonna get a van.
Are you fucking dumb? How are you gonna get a van in the middle of nowhere?
-Thanks to Operation Predator Editor. -(CAR APPROACHES)
Okay, places, everybody, places.
What the fuck is Operation Predator Editor?
This is Operation Predator Editor.
Phase one, Millennium takes naked selfies.
-No, she didn't. -She did. For phase two,
Millennium posts selfies on pedophile website.
-What the fuck? Why? -For phase three.
Millennium tells interested pedophile with van
to meet her here for a free ride.
Free ride?
Oh, nice outfit man.
Oh, thanks, you like it? Did you ever see Cannonball Run?
-No. -The great Dom DeLuise?
-No. -That really fell apart right there.
You're pretty flamboyant for a pedophile.
(SCREAMS)
You pedophile piece of shit! (YELLS)
What the fuck were you thinking getting in that van with this guy?
I was thinking phase four.
Ted Underhill beats up the pedophile and we take the van.
(SPEAKS CHINESE)
JAY: What if I didn't get to the van in time?
You saw what I can do with a hockey stick.
I know how to handle myself.
Yeah. You grew up in a big house
in a rich-kid neighborhood and went to private school.
You have no idea how dangerous people can be.
So true. In Syria, a boy touched my left nipple
and told everybody I know about that shit.
JAY: I said dangerous, man.
Not bitch-ass boys who got to second base.
When my brother found out,
he tried to smother me in my sleep with a pillow for shaming my family.
So, my mom sent me to America.
You know what, fuck your brother, all right?
If the motherfucker tried to smother me,
I'd kick his ass to Asgard where Thor lives.
-No. Thor lives in my dreams. -Mine too.
Every night after I fall asleep, I fuck Chris Hemsworth.
Holy fuck-hole, where'd you get such a damn dirty mouth from?
I'd put my damn dirty mouth all over Hemsworth.
Yeah, and I'd be like, (BRITISH ACCENT) "Give me that hammer, Odin's son."
(BRITISH ACCENT) "Put it in my hands to see if I'm worthy."
-You guys better stop. -Oh, I'd never stop.
I'd fuck Chris Hemsworth till I was Thor. (LAUGHS)
What?
MAN OVER PA: Hi, welcome to Mooby's by the Moonlight.
-Six cow tippers, please. -We're vegan, bro.
I mean one cow tipper, five milks.
We're vegan, bro!
Jesus, man, just give me something with no meat, please. Fuck!
(SPEAKS CHINESE)
Can you stop being so fucking creepy?
Hey, Underhill, how about a little respect for our guest of honor?
Shan Yu is the reason we're doing all this, Mr. Underhill.
What? Operation Predator Editor?
No, jackass, that mission's over.
-We're on to the next mission. -Oh, let me see.
Uh, no.
You're pretty ungrateful for someone who needed my help.
(LAUGHS)
Needed your help?
I'm sorry, did you seriously think
we were just hoping for two old men to drop in and ferry us to Hollywood?
No, we were gonna take my mom's car the second she left.
We've been planning this mission for months, bro.
Holy shit! You girls are international diamond thieves, aren't youse?
I'm sorry, uh, diamond thieves?
Yeah. When I met your mom,
she told me her and her friends were animal rights activists
and then they wound up being international diamond thieves
who wore cat suits under their clothes.
Any one of you girls wearing cat suits under your clothes?
Um. Okay... I don't know anything about that,
but I do know that I'm nothing like my mother.
Holy shit. Yes, you are. You're like a rebooted Justice.
I believe he means to say "remake."
No. I mean to say "reboot."
Someone took all the things I like about your mom,
changed them just enough to make me pay for them all over again,
and added youth and diversity to it.
So, this van is not moving until you tell me
why you wanna go to Hollywood so bad.
Fine.
Shan Yu only has a week left on her visa
before her mom takes her back to China forever.
-So? -So, you genital cuff,
her favorite thing in the world is that old Bluntman and Chronic movie.
Bluntman.
And for years now, she's been wanting to go Chronic-Con,
so that's why this mission is so important.
Important enough for a straight-A student
to get in a shitload of trouble and blow up her future?
(SIGHS)
God, you sound like my mother.
Maybe that's because I'm...
Maybe that's because I think your mom's right.
I'd done a bunch of stupid shit when I was younger, but I did it with Si...
Mr. Taint, here.
Not with a bunch of people I don't know.
-Oh, I know these girls. -How?
How did you meet a deaf girl, a Muslim whose brother tried to kill her,
and a Chinese girl that I don't even know where she's from, but she's suspect?
And you're the only normal one of the bunch.
Fuck you! You don't know me.
Uh, I've seen your life, kid.
You got two moms who love you, and you grew up in a big house.
You're not fucked up like these girls.
I only know these girls because I'm fucked up just like them.
How? How are you fucked up?
We met in an online support group.
For what?
For girls who have never met their fathers.
We don't know who our dads are.
They all left before we were born.
Well, fuck that, all right? You don't need a father.
I didn't grow up with a dad, and look, I turned out okay.
No, you didn't. (SNIFFS)
And if you never really had a dad,
then you would know that there is no such thing as okay. Ever.
Because you will always be haunted by a question that you can't answer.
"Why didn't you love me enough to stick around?"
Well, I knew your dad a little bit, and you're better off without him.
-Guy's a piece of shit. -(SNIFFS)
(BANGING)
Holy shit, someone's on the roof.
-Merkin! What the fuck are you doing? -Hater Totz filled with hate!
Hate! Hate!
You got me arrested with your grass, man.
And you gave me zero tip, leave me these horrible reviews.
What is this? "Fuck your frozen-food dreams."
That is personal and mean to me.
"Do you even know what a merkin is?" Very funny. Yes, I do.
It's a pube toupee.
"Sit on some bald dick." Who wrote that?
Who's the fucker who wrote that? Do you think that's funny?
I am done losing at life. Fuck you guys. The two of you.
No one is gonna make Todd Merkinsky look like an asshole ever again.
Sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep, sleep.
Hey!
MAN OVER PA: We got a runner! We got a runner!
(EXHALES)
Phase four, "Ditch old gay guys." What the fuck?
We should steal Merkin's car.
We've been driving around for hours, Silent Bob.
Where the fuck did they go?
Bro, are you serious? You can't take a shit now.
We have to find the girls.
We need a fucking light.
(WHOOSHING)
Oh, man, it's the fucking Klan! Dude, they ruin everything.
You distract these racist fucks while I hotbox them with some berserker.
(KLANSMEN SHOUT)
Peekaboo! Ah!
(KLANSMEN LAUGH)
(LAUGHS) We always have a good time with that, don't we?
Speaking of good times,
if you stick around till the end, we're gonna be serving Hater Totz!
MAN: Yeah! LEADER: Yeah!
Hater Totz! Who doesn't love Hater Totz? All right. Okay.
Look what we found trespassing in our backyard.
And you know what happens to trespassers, right?
-Can you dig it? -MAN: Yeah.
-Can you dig it? -ALL: Yeah.
-Can you dig it? -ALL: Yeah!
-MAN: I'm digging it. -(LAUGHS)
Let me have your attention for a moment.
You're talking about what? You're talking about...
You're bitching about what? Are they all here?
Who the fuck are you?
I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important.
Put that pitchfork down.
Pitchforks are for Klansmen only.
Where the fuck do you come from?
I come from downtown. I'm here for Mitch and Murray.
And I'm here on a mission of mercy.
-Your name's Legree? -Yeah.
You call yourself a Klansman, you son of a bitch?
We don't gotta listen to this shit.
You certainly don't, pal, because the good news is, you're fired.
The bad news is you've got...
All of you got just one week to regain your jobs.
Starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's shit.
-LEGREE: Mister, what's your name? -Fuck you! That's my name.
(KLANSMEN CLAMORING)
A, B, D.
A Always, B Be, D Ducking.
Always Be Ducking. Always Be Ducking.
All right, fuckface, I'll bite. Ducking what?
MAN: Come on!
-Kill these racist fucks! -Hold on!
(ALL SCREAM)
(ALL GROAN)
Now who's stupid, you dirty sheepfucker?
MAN: Oh...
Who in the fuck are Mitch and Murray?
Holy shit. We made it.
JAY: No, we made it.
You slept.
MILLY: You know, I gotta thank you, Mr. Underhill.
Not for just saving our asses last night, but for helping us get here.
Technically, you forced me to help.
Yeah, but for a good cause.
Well, if your dreams came true, it was all worth it.
(CHUCKLES)
Going to Chronic-Con is Shan Yu's dream.
My dream is a little tougher to make happen.
It's stupid, especially because you said the guy's a piece of shit, but, um...
But I've always dreamed of meeting my dad.
Just hanging out. (CHUCKLES)
Nothing monumental.
Just drinking coffee together or something, like,
talk to me like he was my dad, teaching me dad stuff.
That's really embarrassing.
It probably sounds like the dumbest thing anyone has ever said out loud.
Oh. I got something that nobody knows.
God looks exactly like Alanis Morissette.
I stand corrected.
(INAUDIBLE)
Why are you dressed like all these people?
All these people are dressed like us.
Happy Chronic-Con!
(SCREAMS)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Love the fucking cosplay, you guys. Yes! Silent Jay, I dig it.
Hello, everyone, my name is Kuish.
You little kids looking to mainline some of that sweet-ass,
that bomb-ass and dank Bluntman and Chronic merch?
Because we got Bluntman and Chronic Funko Pops.
We got Bluntman and Chronic action figures.
Did your mommy or daddy just die?
We got a Bluntman and Chronic urn. Smoke 'em up, put 'em in.
Or check this out.
Go ahead and show your pride with our exclusive and inclusive
B and C LGBTQ T. Check it out.
G'day. Chris Hemsworth, and, uh...
I've been paid to welcome you to the 10th Annual Hollywood Chronic-Con. Yay!
Welcome. Uh, now, full disclosure. I'm not the real Chris Hemsworth.
I'm only a hologram, as you can see.
So, feel free to take selfies with my holographic image.
Um, but please, and I can't even believe that I have to fucking say this,
but please do not hump the hologram, or you'll burn your dick off
or whatever it is that you're thrusting into the hologram, so don't do it.
Do not fellate the hologram either. You might burn your mouth off.
And please don't record yourself having conversations
with the holographic version of me as if you're talking to me,
saying things like, "I'm gonna hump you till you're Thor."
You know? Only my wife is allowed to objectify me like that.
I have no choice in that, but I have a choice in this, so don't do it.
Now, if you're looking for all the big celebrity guest panels, go left.
Uh, if you wanna be an extra in the new Bluntman movie, go right.
But whichever way you go, I hope you have fun at this year's Chronic-Con.
Because you're Hemsworth it. Trademark, Chris Hemsworth.
(EXHALES) We came a long way. Let's do this.
Yo!
Where the fuck are you going?
Uh, we came to Hollywood so Shan Yu could be an extra
in that stupid Bluntman reboot, and that is this way.
And we came to Hollywood to stop this stupid reboot from happening.
And all the famous people are this way.
Stop the reboot? Why?
It's a long story, but it ends with us kicking the shit out of Kevin James.
Fuck Kevin James! Kevin can wait.
What we're doing is really important.
Us stopping the movie is the most important thing we're ever gonna do...
Again.
Look, I have risked everything to come here,
but it will all be worth it if Shan Yu can be in that reboot.
So I guess... I guess this is goodbye.
No. Wait a minute.
This, um...
This is my legacy right here.
It's the last one in the whole world, and I want you to have it
to remember me by.
But when you smoke it, you're not gonna remember shit,
so save it for a special occasion.
Um...
I don't know a lot of stuff, okay, but...
I do know this.
You're a great fucking kid
and some asshole really missed out on being your dad.
Thanks.
(SILENT BOB WHISTLING)
GUARD: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Where are your badges?
Nobody gets in, as the French say, sans badge.
Come on, you security dick, what's the big deal anyway?
Security dick?
The big deal is we got America's most precious resources behind these doors.
Actors, actresses, directors, podcasters.
They make us laugh, they make us cry, they show us ourselves.
And it's my job not only to keep them safe
from their greasiest nut-bar fans with the hammers of justice
but also to meet every one of their borderline infantile needs.
Hey, security dick.
Oh.
Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead's Keith Coogan.
-Just Keith. -Thanks, that's really hard to say.
The candy buffet ran out of Swedish Fish.
-(GASPS) -So, I guess...
(CLEARS THROAT) Wait for it.
-The fishes are done, man. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)
-Right? -Yeah.
Hilarious.
I have a question for the real Jay and Silent Bob.
All right, this reboot is bullshit!
Bullshit! What do you guys think about this reboot?
I got this one. (CLEARS THROAT)
Yeah, um, it sucks. There, I said it.
-Are you happy now, TMZ? -Dude, TMZ's not even here.
And who's directing this shit anyway? Kevin fucking Smith? (LAUGHS)
Are you fucking kidding me? This movie is doomed!
It is! I was in Jersey Girl, okay?
-Destroyed my career. -Yep.
Bluntman and Chronic was a cult classic. It doesn't need a Kevin Smith remake.
-Reboot. -How are you not pissed off, huh?
Kevin Smith is literally shitting in the mouth of the original movie.
-I think the movie's gonna be great. -Why are you sucking the reboot's dick?
They're not gonna put you in it. They're never gonna call you, Diplo.
Listen, pie-fucker...
-Van Der Bitch. -Ooh, he called him Van Der Bitch.
Interlopers.
Shit!
Of all sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest of these, they cancelled Comic Book Men.
(BOTH SCREAM)
HOLDEN: Look at these morose motherfuckers right here.
(GASPS)
Smells like somebody shit in their cereal. Bong!
JAY: Holy fuck, they got you mixed up in this reboot shit, too?
You sound like my agent.
What are you two dirt merchants doing in this neck of Hollywood?
Oh, I'll tell you what our necks are doing in Holly's wood.
We're here to stop that fucking reboot from happening,
so take us to Kevin James.
First of all, hi.
Nice to see you.
Been years.
Nice to see you.
Good to see that one of you at least
is taking his age and his health seriously.
Hey, what's with all the wires? You trying to destroy the stage?
Just finished recording a live episode of my podcast.
Holy fuck, you got a podcast, too?
Is it to contextualize life in America for your audience in China?
What? No. I interview people in the funny book biz.
Since this is my first Chronic-Con as guest of honor,
it's time I got someone else to interview me.
Who? Banky fucking Edwards?
ALYSSA: Not Banky fucking Edwards.
Alyssa fucking Jones.
It's fucking Finger Cuffs.
-Oh, my God. -What's so funny?
Remember Chasing Amy,
the classy book I did after Bluntman and Chronic,
that won me all the awards?
Anyway, Alyssa's turning that book into a series for Netflix.
It's always the story that should have been told from a queer perspective
or a woman's perspective,
or any perspective other than a cis white male's.
Anyway, we're laughing because Netflix wants an edgier title than Chasing Amy,
and one of their suggestions was Finger Cuffs.
You should text them a picture of these two chuckleheads
-and say they love your title. -Who are they? Harold and Kumar?
What? No. This is the actual
-Jay and Silent Bob. -What?
Me and Banky used to buy weed off these guys at the Quick Stop.
That's where I got the idea for Bluntman and Chronic.
Then the quiet one gave me the title idea for Chasing Amy.
Come to think of it, you motherfuckers pay off like slot machines.
Save some new shit for me to steal. (CHUCKLES)
There you are. Hey, hon. Hey, Holden. Great panel.
Um, she's looking for you, again.
-Already? -Yes.
-I'm off to release the Kraken. -Sorry.
Release the Kraken? What is that, a sex thing between married people?
Are you even remotely familiar with the story of Chasing Amy?
You're in it. I know it's a lot of words, but, fuck.
No, she's gay, bro.
Okay, obviously Alyssa and I aren't married.
Married people don't like each other.
We're co-parents.
-Wait a second, you have a kid? -Yeah.
Alyssa and her partner wanted to have a baby, and since we've known each other
and, more importantly, liked each other for 20 years,
they asked me to be the father.
Yes, you got to hit that shit again, son. Well, it's...
I can see you've matured well.
No, I got to hit the doctor's office where I filled a cup.
We went in vitro. Science, bro.
Never mind.
Anyway, a year later, I met a girl who loves me. Loves me.
She wants to know who Daddy's talking to.
Hi, little pink sugar heart. (KISSES)
Say hi to Daddy's friends.
Daddy's known these boys since he was little. Boys.
This is our daughter Amy.
Dude, just like that story you tell.
Say hello to Jay and Silent Bob.
Hi, Jay and Silent Bob.
Hi.
Whoop. (GROANS)
ALYSSA: You got her? We're gonna grab a smoke and check out the cosplay.
Okay. Have fun. Thanks for the interview.
So what do you think, kiddo? Do you like these stinky old fools?
Mmm-hmm.
Dude, how did something so amazing come from your funny book making balls?
It's a mystery to me, too, G.
I'm a huge fan of the kid.
Bluntman's getting a reboot, Netflix is making Amy.
People hate the present so much, they wanna retreat into the past.
All of a sudden, all my old bullshit is back.
And some of that old bullshit meant the world to me when I was starting out.
But now that all my childhood dreams are starting to come true,
I mean it's nice, don't get me wrong,
that kid is just way more interesting to me.
I used to think life was all about me, I was the hero of my own story.
A Bruce Wayne of one life-long issue of Detective Comics, so to speak.
Then that kid came along and you realize you're not Bruce Wayne anymore.
You're Thomas Wayne or Bruce Wayne's mom whose name escapes me.
Anyway, I'm just here to set the real story in motion.
Because once you become a parent, you're not the star anymore.
You're the stage.
I'm just here to prop up my kid so she can put on the show of her life,
like my parents did for me, like theirs did before them.
If you're lucky enough to have a kid,
the trade-off is, you don't really get a third act to your story
because the story changes.
All of a sudden, it's not about you anymore.
And for the first time in your self-involved life, that's okay.
Kids are like our reboots.
Another chance to tell a brand-new version of the same old story.
I know I'm supposed to be teaching Amy stuff, but I...
It's like I'm learning from her every day.
So, I spend my days chasing Amy...
So to speak.
Look, I know I dragged us all the way to Hollywood
to stop this fucking reboot from happening,
but I haven't been there for Milly her whole fucking life, Silent Bob.
Sorry. Who's Milly?
And we came to get our names back.
But I have a new fucking name, Silent Bob.
And it's fucking Dad, okay?
And that will be the only name I ever need again.
Yo, Bluntboy, think you can get us in the reboot shoot in the ballroom?
I'm a guest of honor, bro.
(GASPS)
Thanks, bro.
(WHISPERS) They're gone, girl.
-Where? -They're on the town.
It's just us. We're the Just Us League.
What are you looking at me like that for?
You're like, "Ah, go fuck yourself."
Okay, Shan Yu. This is it. Your dream is about to come true.
VIP. Out of the way, out of the way.
Watch your beard, man.
Okay, everybody. Everybody, listen up!
We can't take any more extras!
Get out of here.
Uh, no. W-We're next.
(MIMICS) N-No, you're not. okay?
-Sign-in is done. -Well, I'm not done, motherfucker!
Did you not hear that? Get out of here.
I'm done today and you're done today.
(SQUEAKS)
Yo! If we can't stop this reboot, we might as well watch this reboot.
Get your VIP badges right here. One, two, three, four...
I've never been on a movie set before.
Oh, we have. And movie people are dicks, especially directors.
MAN OVER PA: Ladies and gentlemen,
the director of Bluntman v Chronic, Kevin Smith.
Everybody, grab a spliff for the legend Kevin Smith!
Hey!
Oh, my God, man. Thank you for fucking being here.
Number one, happy Chronic-Con, everybody.
I don't know if anybody knows this, but last year, I had a heart attack.
So, what I did was cast the movie
with a bunch of people who were sad that I almost died.
I guilted the cast into joining the movie.
So, you know, SAG should give its award for the guiltiest fucking cast, man.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I hate this guy. He forces his kid to be in everything he makes.
Right now, it's just an idea in your heads, "Ooh, what can this movie be?"
Fuck ideas! I'm from Hollywood. That's what we say and shit.
So, what I'm gonna do,
we're gonna show you an actual clip from the movie Bluntman v Chronic
-right now, man. -(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Ladies and gentlemen,
Bluntman v Chronic. Check this shit out!
Whoo!
Bluntman!
(PHONE PINGS)
Holy fuck.
Oh, you're mad at me?
Let me be blunt, man.
I liked you better when you were silent, Bob.
If you really want to V,
I'm ready to blast your ass and kick you in the hater tots.
-(GASPS) -Merkin was right, dude.
"Hater tots" does mean different things to different people.
Huh.
(COUGHS)
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS) Indica. You son of a bitch.
Smells like this reboot went up in smoke.
-Alfred. -Hi, man.
Sorry to How High, dude, but this is now the greatest movie ever made.
Whoop.
When you said you wanted to V, you meant vaping?
I thought the V was for versus.
-A stoner don't fight, man. -No.
'Cause when you're baked, you finally see all the important details, you know.
You know what I never noticed before?
This place is like...
It's huge!
But, like, size is, like, relative, man. You know?
You know, it's like little dogs. They don't know they're little.
That's why they always start shit with big dogs.
They don't get size, man.
Yeah. You know what else they don't get? Money.
Try explaining money to a dog.
I have. It just looked at me like, "Huh?"
I gave a dog a $20 bill once, man. It didn't work out. (CHUCKLES)
-(LAUGHS) -(PHONE PINGS)
Hey, is this one of those comic book movies, man?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh. Am I in Black Panther?
(GRUNTS)
Oh, fuck.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS) -MAN: Genius!
-Wow. -WOMAN: Wow, fucking wow!
MAN: Give that man an Oscar!
And that's just a taste, ladies and gentlemen, that's a soupçon.
Okay, the scene that we're gonna shoot here today, right now,
is the invasion of Chronic-Con, man.
So, give it up for the contemptible Cock Knocker Cockmandos!
-(CHANTING) Cock, Cock, Cockmando! -KEVIN: Look at that shit.
We spent so much money on those costumes, it's fucking crazy.
So, the cast is fucking huge.
I'm still thinking about putting my friend Jason Mewes in it and shit.
And the jury is out on whether I put my kid in it. She's an actress now.
But I don't believe in nepotism, so I might leave her out of it.
Man, she can earn her own fucking keep in Hollywood.
What the fuck are you doing?
He kind of looks like the director.
KEVIN: ...in the actual picture.
My bad, I forgot to say spoilers.
No way, man. That guy wears jorts.
-This guy would never wear jorts. -What the fuck are jorts?
Jean shorts.
You stay here. Wait for my signal.
-You, come with me. -KEVIN: ...walrus movie, but look at that!
Before we get started, I have to go backstage
and take care of some very important director-type things.
But as soon as I get back, man,
we're gonna make some movie magic together,
ladies and gentlemen, yes!
MAN: You're the fucking boss, Kevin!
Where is my smoking jacket?
Did you see that crowd out there, Mike? Fuck, man. We're back, bitch.
Fuck Cop Out. Thank you, my friend.
Mmm! Life is good.
Life is good and I'm now alone and finally...
Mmm.
Hey! (CHOKES)
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
Where's this signal at?
I need to talk to him.
-He is occupied. -Who are you?
-He told me... -To do what?
-...to tell you that those girls... -He told you?
So, the director stopped speaking to me. Yeah. And I'm the first AD.
So this whole thing has gone off the rails and is a shit show.
Worse than House Party 4. Trust me when I say that.
But he told some little girl who I've never met before
to tell me to tell you
that he would like all of you diverse and interesting young children
to get on stage with him today and do this scene.
Hello, everybody.
I'm here because Kevin Smith lost his voice.
(COUGHS)
Aw. But he asked me to tell you to welcome to the stage,
all the way from China, Bluntman superfan, Shan Yu.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Whoo!
Come on. Come on.
-(COCKS GUN) -(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Holy shit. That girl just pulled a gun on Kevin Smith.
'Cause she probably paid to see Yoga Hosers.
(RUSSIAN ACCENT) That's not Kevin Smith.
Fist him.
-Nyet! -(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Oh, shit!
The guy that's not Kevin Smith just got fisted.
And he didn't even use lubricant!
Throw that trash in the garbage.
-Commence collusion. -(GUN FIRES)
-(GASPS) -Move it!
The fake Cock Knockers are the real bad guys.
Fuck, this movie's hard to keep straight.
What are you doing, Shan Yu?
Is it not as clear as vodka?
I'm not teenager from China.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
I am secret agent from Russia.
One of them was wearing a cat suit. I fucking knew it!
(GRUNTS)
COCKMANDO: He smells American too.
Russia's infiltrated American banks,
we have infiltrated American elections,
and now, thanks to you,
we infiltrate American pop culture conventions.
Why?
Take out your mobile devices and broadcast this historic moment
to the rest of world.
What if you only have a flip phone?
People of America,
I come in peace.
But director of Jersey Girl...
KEVIN: Holy fuck.
Ow.
He will soon go to pieces when I execute him live on internet.
(AUDIENCE GASPS)
Is this because I'm a proud jorts wearer?
This is because you're a standard-issue, overrated American pop culture celebrity
who repeats himself artistically, if what you do can even be called art,
and clings desperately to past glory of 1990s.
You've been talking to my wife.
I'm not gonna let you do this, Shan Yu.
But you helped me do this, Millennium.
I cared for you and your friends so I can harness the liberal sympathies
of broken young women who hoped to fill the deep emotional void left by
a sibling who tries to kill you,
or the solitude of silence,
or wasting your privileged life
crying about the father who left you before you were even born.
Ooh! Sick fucking burn, man. I'll shut up.
JAY: Maybe her dad didn't leave her.
COCKMANDO: What did he say?
Maybe her dad didn't even know he had a kid until the other day.
What are you saying?
Jesus, for a private school girl, you're pretty fucking stupid.
I'm your father.
Oh, God. Wait.
(LAUGHS) No way. No fucking way!
Yes, fucking way.
But I only found out the day we came to Chicago,
and I wanted to tell you the whole trip, but I promised your mom I wouldn't.
But I'm telling you now because sometimes,
breaking a promise is the right fucking thing to do, all right?
Because if I kept every promise I ever made, you wouldn't be here.
Because this one time, I made a promise to your mom that I wouldn't cum in her.
What the fuck, man?
Look, I'm sorry, all right? I was only stalling
till I could get closer to the guy with the big-ass gun.
Now!
-Yes! -(SHOUTS)
(CLICKS)
-This fucker's fake, dude. -Why would it be real?
No!
Don't any of you cosplaying cocks have some real fucking guns?
-What the fuck? -Let him go!
Nyet.
-Before we execute Kevin Smith... -Fuck.
...first, we execute this old degenerate.
-No! -Old? Man, fuck you!
I give Big Daddy a moment to offer his newfound daughter
any last heartfelt words before we stop his heart.
Kid, I'm okay with dying right now,
because I know a small piece of me is gonna live on in you.
Not if they fucking kill me too, you idiot.
Holy shit, you're right. Somebody save me!
-(THUDDING) -(AUDIENCE GASPS)
What was that?
Ooh... You made him mad. He's mad now!
-(THUDDING) -(ALL GASP)
(COCKMANDOS SHOUT)
What is that, Ted Underhill?
I am not Ted Underhill.
Oh, fuck. He's got a secret identity.
Allow me to introduce myself.
I'm Jay.
-(THUDDING) -(ALL GASP)
And this is my hetero life mate...
Iron Bob!
-COCKMANDO: It's Robert Downey Jr. -What?
Oh, Marvel gonna sue somebody.
COCKMANDO: Shoot the tin man! Shoot! Shoot him!
(GROANS)
Yeah, Iron Bob!
For Mother Russia! Ow! (GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
For Russia...
We know that guy.
Holy fuck. I can't wait till they make him a Funko Pop.
(IN VALYRIAN) Unsullied!
Slay the masters!
Slay the soldiers!
Slay every man that holds an oversized fist!
Oh, my God, he just spoke fucking Valyrian!
(IN ENGLISH) I'll fuck anything that moves!
Idiot!
-Holy shit! This shit's fucking bananas! -Duck!
(SNIFFS) Man, I smell some fucking good weed.
It's some of that dank-ass shit, knock a motherfucker out like that.
Like I said.
COCKMANDO: Oh, shit. I've been drugged.
That's strong shit.
Hey, little girl. Can I buy some weed from you?
I'm busy.
-(HIGH-PITCHED NOISE SOUNDING) -(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
My precious podcasting ears!
-Fuck! -It hurts, nyet?
This is because it is not a podcast recording device.
It is KGB sonic disrupter.
-You suck! -(LAUGHS)
Nyetflix.
Hearing is so fucking overrated.
Fuck, yeah!
Let's get aggressive, girls.
(ALL YELL)
(COCKMANDO GRUNTS)
That joint you gave me really came in handy.
Whatever you do, don't tell your mom I gave you weed.
Oh, my God, I fucking love this reboot. Oh, shit.
All right. So right about now, man,
we've finished up all three acts of the story,
all the main characters are where they need to be.
All that's left is the emotional denouement.
In order to get there, maybe I'll start a slow dissolve right about now.
So now what do we do?
I wanted to talk to you about that, um...
I've never had a kid before.
It's okay, I've never had a dad before.
(SIGHS) Yeah, but the thing is,
I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad.
Save it, old man. I... I get it.
Like I was saying,
I don't know if I'm ready to be somebody's dad,
so I wanna practice.
And so I figured why not start off with a dream I always had
of drinking coffee with my kid,
and teaching her stuff that she doesn't already know?
Like dad stuff. okay?
Okay, I've hung out in front of this store almost my whole life.
My advice, don't do that.
Not for a while.
First, find a best friend you can have a whole lot of adventures with.
But pick a good listener, someone that always has your back,
even when he's standing right next to you.
(PHONE PINGS)
But don't worry about fucking up in life, okay?
Silent Bob always says, "Failure is success training."
Then how come you aren't the most successful man in the world?
I am today.
All right, enough of that mushy stuff.
Um, we have a whole lot of catching up to do, kiddo.
-Are you ready? -Do it, Dad.
Okay.
So, one time me and Silent Bob went to this mall, right?
And then, a couple years later,
we fought these renegade angels and met God herself.
And even though me and Silent Bob saved the world,
all these Catholics got pissed off at us anyway.
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
(CHUCKLES) Snoogans.
Oh, my God, you're learning! Snooge.
All right. Anyways, after all that angel stuff,
me and Silent Bob went to Hollywood.
That was the first time we went to Hollywood
where we met your mom and a monkey named Suzanne.
Yeah. She still sends us Christmas cards every year.
-My mom? -No, the monkey.
Oh, and then the Quick Stop burned down,
which is right around the time me and Silent Bob went to rehab.
Why did you guys go to rehab?
We got caught driving around with deployed airbags.
(CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY)
Holy shit, dude. She uses Jaws as a unit of measurement, just like us.
Stars are similar to Jay and Silent Bob, aren't they?
(LAUGHING)
I loved watching the work.
You go, "Oh, fuck, I stranded myself. How do I not say 'us'?
"Anything but 'us.' If I say 'us', he'll kill me." (LAUGHS)
It's called Jay and Silent Bob Reboot, and you're a huge character...
-Wonderful. -...in the whole thing.
I can't wait.
I'm doing it here so you have to agree to do the movie.
Can't we do a little of it now and stop wasting time?
-Go to that place. -Here we go. Action.
Hey, fella... (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) You already broke character, Lee!
What the hell? We're burning film, man.
-Hey, fella. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS)
How do I get to... (LAUGHS)
How do I get to Comic-Con?
This is why I only cast you in one movie.
You can't get through a line without laughing at me.
(LAUGHS)
No, we gotta be serious. This is a serious thing.
Here we go. And take two. And action.
Hey, fella. How do I get to Comic-Con?
-Well, respond. -Silent Bob.
-Oh, you don't talk? -That's the smart thing.
Get the hell out of my scene and get me Jay.
How High's our Bible, man.
Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after Silas and Jamal.
I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy,
and Lean and Mean here's my botanical BFF. What?
Ooh. Popcorn playa.
This affidavit is from a Hollywood motion picture company.
Hollywood, Florida?
-Hollywood, California. -Oh, that one.
-Two tickets to Hollywood. -Hollywood, Florida?
No, Hollywood, California.
Oh.
Says here you're supposed to go to Hollywood?
You mean Hollywood, Florida?
No. Hollywood, California.
Ugh!
PROSECUTOR: Jay and Silent Bob
spend so much time in our cells that they should pay us rent.
-(LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS) I knew I'd get you.
Why you a prosecutor? You should be a stand-up.
I have a show this weekend.
-I'll definitely come out. -Great. I'll text you later.
Can I object?
Ooh. My daughter, Banner, she's fighting with Renee
and keeps sending the most delicious texts. Listen.
"Dear Sega Boy..." Snoogans.
"How am I supposed to grow as a woman
"when Mom is always standing on my fucking dick?"
-Wait, your daughter has a dick? -No.
But she sure can be one to her mom and I love it.
You see, kids, teenagers are like the Incredible Hulk.
Normal one minute, a rage of emotions the next.
You'll see one day when one of you guys has a kid.
Probably the quiet one.
Shit. No female swipes right on Groot here...
And I was always so worried that I would get a female pregnant
when I did have sex, I'd pull out, run to the other side of the room,
and I'd bust a nut in my jacket pocket, just to be safe.
How High is the greatest movie ever made.
Me and Silent Bob modeled our whole fucking lives after it.
Wait a minute. Are we talking about the same How High here?
The movie?
The one we're in?
Yeah, the one we was in, goddamn it. See?
I told your black ass that How High would age like a fine Chablis.
I'm not a pedophile.
I'm here on the behalf of a man you might know,
Mr. J-E-S-E-S, Jesus.
I'm a Christian vigilante. They call me the Holy Roller. (LAUGHS)
Super cool.
-This guy's a fucking idiot. -Who's been our ally this entire trip.
-(SIGHS) -Especially when he saved our lives.
This conversation really does not pass the Bechdel test right now.
Holy shit, dude, it's them. They're here.
Jersey represent.
Wait, you don't recognize us?
You almost beat me up when I was a kid
because I said an unkind word about Morris Day.
That's you guys? Do you guys work here, or something?
Dude, we're the Kush Boys.
Dude, like, you own all this stuff?
Yeah, we took a page out of your book.
We stopped buying weed, started selling that shit instead.
Thanks to you guys, we are financially thriving in the cannabis space.
We're weed millionaires.
So that means we get some free weed?
Fuck, no.
No, that'll be $200.
Dude, I've always wanted to do this.
Two hundred bucks, little man
Put that shit in our hands
Fair enough.
Dude, there is more lens flare than a J.J. Abrams movie in here.
I hate all these fuckers.
Hi.
Um, can my friends and I cut in line?
-Fuck, no! -Yeah, what she said.
Happy Chronic-Con.
How's The Walking Dead gonna end?
Oh, um, Carol actually eats Daryl.
Fuck! No...
-Carol turns into a walker? -Uh, no. She just eats Daryl.
Oh, fuck. Uh, spoilers. I'm really sorry about that one...
(SCREAMS)
Fuck! What the fuck was that for?
That's for killing Glenn and Carl!
Oh, fuck. Fair enough.
This reboot is doomed, man.
Maybe it would have a chance if they got Kevin Smith from the '90s,
back when he had the juice to get Affleck in his movies.
Ew, wait. Didn't he make that Jersey Girl movie?
Yeah, I wasn't a fan, but Affleck was the bomb as Batman, yo.
Word, bitch! Batfleck like a motherfucker!
Ha-ha! What's up now?
(PINGS)
Oh, hello again. Still just a hologram, same rules apply.
Don't fucking touch me.
Now, if you're looking for the Bluntman v Chronic shoot, go left.
But if you're looking for
uh, I don't know, some version of completing your character arc
and becoming the superdad that your daughter never knew she had, go right.
If I was in this movie, um, I know which way I'd go.
(CHUCKLES) Straight out the door.
Let's be honest, I wouldn't be in this movie,
I'd never be in this fuckin' movie.
I've got, like, 37 franchises and I don't really need another one.
Anyway, dishes are done, man.
Here we go, bye-bye. Peace
Where do you think you're going?
Yo, we got badges now.
"We have badges." Stop butchering the English language.
And I don't care. You're getting the bum's rush.
Wait. Are you a chocolate fan?
Not that it'll change your fortunes one iota,
but since I'm not a Nazi robot, yes, I like chocolate.
Well, this is the best chocolate in the whole wide world.
Bullshit.
Give me that.
-JAY: Punch, edible'... -(THUDS)
KEVIN: Holy fucking shit. Where did these people come from?
Hey, kids! What the fuck is going on here?
They're the contest winners. Their prize is a walk-on in the movie.
-This movie? -Yeah.
They should have held out for a way better movie, am I right?
-I totally agree. -Man, fuck you.
Hey, kids! Man, I am gonna find a way
to get you all into an uncuttable cameo in the movie, man.
All right... Emily, fuck off! We're trying to take a picture.
All right, kids. All smiles, big, wide eyes. Here we go.
Excuse me. Hey, kid!
You ruined my fucking movie career, you know that?
Um, I've seen your flicks, Smitticles. You killed your own movie career.
Oh, my God, you little monster! Who raised you?
(LAUGHS)
-(THUDS) -(CROWD CHEERS)
I'm so done with Kevin Smith.
MAN: Fuck.
Oh, you see that guy over there?
For 25 years, we've been coming here every night
and putting gum in the locks.